Oopsy Poopsy

Well, I kind of got myself into a bit of shit last weekend when my mistress went camping for the Finke Desert Race. She foolishly though that kitty cam was going to capture all my exploits, but she didn't count on my plot to escape. I love the outdoors. I spend much of my day looking out the window at the outdoors. And when I'm not doing that, I'm thinking about going outdoors.
     There is a kitty door in the wooden inside door of her bedroom. It leads out into the courtyard with one small fly in the ointment. The cage door on the other side...I'm not quite sure the point of the kitty door is other than to torment me with the outdoors. For a long time she had the kitty door taped shut based on my behaviour. In the middle of a hot summer, I managed to get out through the kitty door to find myself wedged between two doors, and the kitty door was set on one-way only. I had fucked with it just a little too much I guess. She came home to find me panting and hot, moments from death's door I'm certain. I should dob her in to the RSPCA...but they might take me back to that awful place, so I'll bide my time. She then took the door off, but that proved to annoy her further as I became agile at flying through the door into the cage and on UP. I couldn't help it, there were moths to intimidate on the other side. And at one point, cicadas. So we ended up with the door fixed, and locked to both sides. What fun is there in that?
     Imagine my surprise when I found myself unlocking the door and crawling out to near freedom once again...but as history repeats itself only to taunt me, the door was one way again. And my mistress was out of town for the weekend. And I need to poo. Maybe I'll climb up over the door...let's start clawing and thrashing up the door to see what happens, ripping the Grateful Dead poster on the door because it's fun. Hmm, that failed. I'm still trapped between the doors. And I need to poo. Where's my litter box? Oh yeah, on the other side of the kitty door. Hmmm, what to do, what to do. Thrash again up the door, shredding what's left of the Grateful Dead...and I still need to poo. Maybe I'll just start meowing...but wait, who shall hear me? Meow, meow, meow...endless. What terrible neighbors we have. I really need to poo. Maybe I'll just have a little poo over by the edge of the door, and I can sit on the other end away from the poo. PPPPFFFFFFTTTTTTTgurgle...ooops...that's lot of poo. And it's runny...OMFG it is chasing me across the doorstep! OH GOD, I am stepping in a puddle of POO! I'd better start climbing again, through the Grateful Dead poster to the top away from the POO PUDDLE MADNESS!
     Uh-oh...I fell in the poo. Where the fuck is my mistress? MIAOWMIAOWMIAOWMIAOW!!!!
Then I hear our neighbor lady calling my mistress. She is telling her all about my meowing...she is coming to rescue me! THANK-YOU for rescuing me from the poo! I hear her coming through the gate - oh finally, I shall be delivered from the poo. Thank-you worm lady! Yeah, watch out for the poo. It's a bit of a mess actually. It's also all over the door and on the shredded bits of what is left of the Grateful Dead poster. The bucket is around the corner...I'm going to my litter box to forget this horrendous ordeal. First I have to lick off the poo. That's nasty. Hey, where are you going worm lady? Aren't you going to clean up all that poo? My mistress will not be happy to come home and step in poo. Wait, what are you doing? Are you texting her about the poo? Great, now I'm in for it. Instead of coming to lavish me with attention, hugs, rubbing, treats, whatnot, she's going to be a hollerin'...damn you kitty door. You betrayed me again.
     Miraculously my mistress comes home a day early, even if for just a short visit to pick up a few things. At least she can clean up the poo. I don't want to chance the kitty door again if the poo is still there. She tries...and gags, and gags, and gags again. She is such a drama queen. It's just a little poo. She hasn't seen what I left her in the litter box. She is unhappy about the Grateful Dead poster. But she really blows a gasket when she sees all the pooh on the door and doorframe. Yeah, about that. Do you have time to clean it all up now? I'm really over it. Apparently not as she heads out the door without a second glance. Who knows when she's coming back?
     And then the following day she did. And now she's been packing for days. I am beginning to think there is a plot afoot...stay tuned.